"Insecurity" is a a four letter word

One of the side effects of any chronic or serious illness - one they don't bother to warn you about - is the guilt and insecurity that comes along with it. The feelings of worthlessness and helplessness that come from fighting with your body and your mind when both are actively working against you.


The guilt and insecurity are the beasts, the monsters of the disease. They do more to harm your heart and soul than the diseases can ever do to the body. They wear you down and make you see things that aren't there, while hiding the things that are.


If you aren't in "The Club," you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about. If you are, you may or may not recognize it for what it is. It's that monster in the closet that tells you that the people that you love couldn't possibly love you anymore because you're a burden. It's that slithering serpent that tells you that the ones you love deserve so much better than to be saddled with caring for you. It's the oozing monster that whispers into the darkness that tells you that they didn't sign up for this, and are probably out trying to find something less trying.


It's that little voice in your head that says you're not worthy and blows every little thing into a huge to-do. Intellectually, you know it's not true, but emotionally it tears you into tiny little pieces. You push yourself to exhaustion, trying to pretend that everything's okay. Or, if you're not pushing yourself, you're pushing everyone else away. 


It's also that part of you that fears telling anyone anything. You don't want to seem like you're seeking attention, after all. But at the same time, all you want is someone to give you a hug, to tell you it's okay to be scared and angry and sad. But you don't. You hold it all in, you sit and stew and it builds up inside you, eating at you just like the cancer that has caused all the feelings and emotions.


It's lonely, walking that fine line between needing support and wanting to not be a burden. Between needing someone to hold your hand, and having to put on a brave face for everyone else. 


It's lonely.