Catharsis

Catharsis is defined as "an emotional release; a cleansing." Some days, some hours, some minutes, I feel an overwhelming need for catharsis.

Today, for instance. I'm running around, getting things done, being productive. Then, I look out the window, and see all the friends and family of our neighbor gathered together to mourn and celebrate his life, and I just feel the desire to cry. Not for him, though, as one might think, but for me.

I put on this face every day, put it out there for the world to see. I smile, laugh, joke. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, I am. And I don't spend every moment worrying or in fear. I do worry, though I do have fears. In the quiet moments, the ones where it's just me and my thoughts, the fear can be overwhelming.

Overwhelming fear, in me, always leads to one of two things: a search for information or paralyzation. Most days, I force the former instead of the latter because, really, what good does it do me to let my worries paralyze me. There's a downside to that resolve, though.

The more information I acquire, the more I seek. The more I seek, the more I know. The more I know, the more I have to worry about. It's a vicious cycle, one that leads to sitting alone crying. Because I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't let anyone know what it's like inside my head. So I hide. I stay home, I sit alone at my computer, reading more, worrying more.

Eventually, though, I do reach a temporary catharsis. I have a big blow up, get it all out, and then start over again. It feels better in that short time that it lasts. It gives me the bolstering I need to plaster my smile back on, to make more jokes about everything, to keep going.

Today is a researching and worrying day. Next week I go to the doctor, so until then, I'll probably drive myself crazy with worry. Then I can move forward.