Right now, I feel utterly and completely alone. And I know - I will get comments and messages telling me I'm not, that you're all thinking of me and so on and so forth. And I appreciate it, really, I do, but it's just not the same.
See, first time around, I had a couple of pretty close (emotionally and geographically - we were all neighbors!!) friends. It was wonderful, because when I needed to talk, needed help, or just needed a hug, I had someone I could go to right there that would give whatever the support I needed at the moment was. It really got me through the darkest moments.
This time, though, there really aren't many people around that I'm close enough to. I have Hans, and his parents, but they're dealing with things on their own level, in their own way. I think it's too much for them to deal with my emotions, too.
So I'm alone. My stucco isn't just cracked, it's flaking off, and I'm sitting here alone in the dark, trying to glue it back on. I swear, I've cried so much today, I have a ridiculous headache. I'm so keyed up and stressed and upset, I can't sleep, no matter how hard I try.
And it's just so weird. I can't even explain how I really feel. I mean, the first time around was scary - cancer was the big unknown - but I got through. This time, though, it's worse. It's back, and it's not responded to the radiation. That's terrifying. I don't know what that means for me. The doctor couldn't really tell me what that means for me. All I know is that there is cancer growing inside me and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. That scares me, and it pisses me off, and it makes me more than a little crazy.
And I don't have anyone I can sit and cry to about this, so I'm crying to my computer. To the friends in my little red box. Wishing that someone could reach through the screen and give me a hug, and tell me that it's okay to be scared and angry and sad and crazy.
3 comments:
I can't sleep either, different reasons. Love you. Miss you.
Love you. If I was there I would give you a big hug and cry with you. Sometimes it's just what we need to do. :)
It's very easy to feel alone when you have cancer--I went through it, as well. And, I mean, the thing is--we ARE alone in that no one really understands how it feels to be us. Even other cancer fighters can only empathize to a certain degree, because we all have our own thing, our own issues and fears, so every experience is different.
You cry all you need to cry. Get as angry as you need to get. You're allowed. <3
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