I've been quiet. Truth of the matter is, the news at the last appointment wasn't ideal, and I just wanted to get through the holidays and try to enjoy them, and my family. So I did.
But now, the holidays are over, and it's time to get back to my "real life," if you will. The kids are back in school, and I'm slowly, but surely, putting the house back together. Christmas is being packed away and organization of the house is occurring.
So yeah, back to that appointment.... Well, cancer's still there. Great big blob shows up on the scan, but there's no mass showing up on the ultrasound, which means that there's nothing to cut out. The good news is that I don't have to go through surgery right now. The bad news is I have to wait until April/May at the earliest before I can go back in for another scan and/or round of radiation. Of course, right now the doc is kind of wanting to avoid radiation if we can - I've had two moderately high (150miCu) doses, and if there's a chance they'll do the big, scary surgery, we need to avoid more rads beforehand, as each time they dose me, it makes recovery that much harder and slower.
So I get to sit. And wait. And think. For months. Having cancer sucks. Having to go through treatment sucks. But knowing that it's there, that it's growing, that it will not leave me the hell alone is slow torture. I'm a do-er, so doing nothing is awful. It makes me feel helpless.
And I know what most people say - maybe there will be a "miracle." (Well, I don't believe in miracles, and haven't in quite some time, if ever.) Maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe, if I just think positively, it will all be okay. And you know what? I think that, for the most part, I do a pretty damned good job of being positive. Of being strong. Of not burdening anyone around me with my fears and my pain and my grief. But guess what? This is scary. And ugly. And it sucks! And sometimes I need to be able to feel - and show - those emotions!
But, for now, I will sit on my hands, with my stucco slowly cracking, until we can actually do something about this beast in my neck. And hope that it doesn't get a sudden growth spurt and go on a Napoleonic invasion spree.
2 comments:
Oh honey, I'm sorry. :( Sending you hugs from here. Love you.
Sometimes you need to blog and we will read it.
Sometimes you just need to scream and we will listen.
Sometimes you need to cry and we will hug you.
Sometimes you need to run and hide. We will let you but eventually we will come find you.
Sometimes you just need a Totinos pizza and a beer. Its on me.
What am saying Kerry is that you are loved and cared for. Miracle or no. Positive or not. You are loved and if there is anything we can do to help you through it or make you feel better we will try.
{{{HUGS}}}
Post a Comment