Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Screaming Into the Wind

Sometimes that's what I feel like I'm doing - screaming into the wind, the sound lost in my own hair.

I have questions - about my treatment, my prognosis, my staging, my future. Yet, there are no answers to most of these questions. I ask, I get nowhere. I research, I get nowhere. I want answers!  And it seems, some days, the more I look for those answers, the more questions I end up with!

I hate inactivity, too. There is a cancer growing inside my body. It is there, I know it is there, and I can't do a damned thing about it. It's - quite literally - driving me mad. I want it out. I want it out to the point that I envision myself reaching through my neck and yanking it out with my bare hands. Insane? Probably. But it's how I feel.

And yet, at the same time, I feel like I don't have a right to feel the way I do. I feel like, maybe, cancer's not such a big deal. Maybe I should just let it go. But I can't. I just can't do it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not letting it run my life, not by any means. At the same time, though, I think I am allowed to have some fairly strong emotions and feelings about it all. Right? I'm allowed to be terrified, aren't I? I'm allowed to want it gone, out, over and done with, right?

I'm having trouble swallowing these days. When I go to the doctor tomorrow, I will be telling her that. I will also be pointing out that she felt a mass last time I was in. And I will be pushing for the surgery to remove the "cancer interstate," AKA cervical lymph nodes, along with anything else they find in there that's affected.

My gut, my symptoms and my experience are screaming at me not to delay any further, to stop the "wait and see" attitude. This means that I have to be assertive tomorrow, something I have a very difficult time with. I will do it, though, for me. I will do it alone, but I will do it.

I'm scared, though.


Mona Gracen said...

You can do it, Kerry! You are one tough cookie! :) Also, I think that visually yanking the cancer out might be a good thing. It is probably helpful psychologically and, who knows, visualization has at some times proven to help with various illness as well. Sending you much love and positive energy!!! Be strong, chica!

Peta said...

Be strong, be assertive - it is YOUR life, you are allowed to have these emotions - it is normal to be scared. You might be going in alone, but you are NOT have people on your side wanting you to be well. I don't know you, but I know your journey and the way you are feeling and I wish you well.