Friday, May 11, 2012

Crushed....

Some days it's all just too much to deal with. Some days you just need to be able to curl up in a ball and cry.

I try so hard, so very, very, very hard to hide everything. I try not to break down in front of people. I try to hide my fear and my pain. I try to hide the fact that dealing with all of this is causing depression. I try to just be normal and happy. Some days, though, I just can't do it anymore.

Today is one of those days. Today, I am lost. I am in the bottom of a well, and I can't even see the top. Today I feel so beaten, so alone, so scared that I am paralyzed, metaphorically speaking. Physically, I feel like I'm trying to slog through jello.

My house is a disaster. There are dirty dishes in the kitchen, dirty laundry in the laundry room and clean laundry in the living room. There are things everywhere. Everywhere someone has put something down, it's been left. I should get out of my chair and do something about it. I want to get up and do something about it. I even envision myself in this whirling dervish cleaning frenzy. But I can't. I just can't. I try, and after a few minutes, I'm so exhausted, I have to sit back down. And of course, that depresses me more....

I took my medicine that's supposed to help me deal with this. It's not helping. All I want now is to curl up in the bed and pretend that nothing exists. Go back to the dream I was having where I was back in band, and I was being praised for buying my own conductor's baton. I was happy (obviously, not back in real high school, where I was tormented). I felt like I had something to share with people; a talent that could be appreciated. And I felt like I was surrounded by people who liked me. I want to curl up in bed and go back to that because, right now, I feel so utterly and completely alone that I'm willing to go to an imaginary place in my mind....

I cannot cope today. I am a mess. My brain is a jumbled up mess. My heart feels like it's in a million pieces. I feel like a failure as a human, a wife and a mother. I feel like a burden. I feel unworthy. The physical ramifications of my emotional state are wreaking havoc on me at the moment. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide, to keep myself away from anyone else, lest I either be pitied or hurt further....

I'm afraid. I know there's nothing I can do to change anything right now. I know that I have to wait until the doctors have figured out what to do next. I know that worrying isn't going to fix anything. But yet, I worry. I have no other way to feel about this, and pretending to be happy, and cheerful and hiding the fear and pain has taken its toll.

I'm broken. I want to do nothing but cry. I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I feel better. I want to curl up in a ball and cry until someone sees fit to drag me out, to make me feel like I'm useful, like I'm worthwhile. I want to be babied and told it's okay to be afraid of the monsters in the closet. I want to be told that it's okay to worry and to freak out. I need that. I need permission to stop being strong. I need to know it's okay not to always be the one that people look to. I need to be comforted, not comfort others.

I need to be selfish. I need to be extraordinarily selfish. There's a problem with this for me, though  - that requires me acknowledging this need somwhere besides this blog. That requires me to tell someone else - face to face - that I need help. That requires me to make myself vulnerable to someone else. And really, I don't know that I have the strength for that, either.

I'm such a contradiction right now. I know that. I know that I'm saying "Pity me!!!" in one breath, and then "I don't want to be pitied!!!" in the next. I know that I don't make any sense. I know that I probably just seem like I want to be miserable. I don't I hate this. I hate the way I feel right now so much that I can't explain it beyond saying I want to hide.

I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm broken. I need love. I need support. I need understanding.

I. I. I. I. The fact that this is all about me pisses me off. But I don't know what else to do. I'm shattered... .

4 comments:

Kat said...

GO BACK TO BED.

Seriously!

Make the rest of the family either clean up their own damn mess or deal with it. (I know, much easier said than done, but just leave it for the moment.)

You're sick and you're ALLOWED to have a pity party.
(((((hugs)))))

Anna-Leigh said...

It would be nice if the family could help you out a little bit. But I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to feel that way you do. You have to let it out some how, sweetheart. Long distance hugs to you, my friend! I pray you see a break in the clouds soon :-)

Mona Gracen said...

Oh Kerry! I am so sorry! Days like that truly suck. I have had (and continue to have) more of them than I care to admit. Even though it is almost impossible to conceive of in your present state, know you are not alone. And you have every right to be sad, depressed, selfish, scared, and pissed off. Much love to you! Though we have never actually spoken in person, I wish I could be there with you right now. At the very least I could clean up your house for you (though I'll admit cleaning is not my strong suit!). Xoxox

Anonymous said...

thanks, very good =)