Thursday, May 17, 2012

Crying

Sometimes that's all you need. Sometimes you need to cry. Sometimes you need to just cry to remind yourself that you can still feel normal. Sometimes you just need to cry.

Sometimes, though, you need someone to cry with you. Sometimes you need to know that the one person that you need to lean on is just as scared as you are. But they're too busy trying to hide that they're just as scared as you are to be the support that you really need. And they don't turn to you to support them because they don't want you to deal with your own fear and theirs as well.

What they don't understand, though, is that the best way they can support you, the best way they can help, is to let you know. To show you that they're afraid. That they care. That, if heaven forbid, something were to happen, that it would affect them. What they don't understand is that, when you say, "I'm scared," what you need to hear from them is, "So am I." Sometimes you need the support of shared experience, shared emotion.

When I was first diagnosed, back in 2006, one of the times that sticks out most in my mind is one night, when I was terrified. We went to bed, and I was just terrified. That night, Hans held me all night. He told me he was scared. He told me he was afraid of what would happen. He told me that he was scared, too. That night, I have remembered that night for six years. I remember that night as the most important of our entire relationship thus far, because we shared that. We shared the fear, the emotions, the experience.

Today, that is what I need. I need to know that I am not the only one that is scared. I need to know that I'm not the only one worried about what comes next. I am terrified. And I need to not be alone in my terror. I need to know. I need to matter.

5 comments:

Dawn said...

Kerry,

You and I have never met in person. But you are my friend and you matter to me. I cannot be afraid for you because I need to know you will be okay. I need to know this will get better. I need to hope and believe you will come through this, that there will be a cure or at least a solution that works for you and you will live to a ripe old age.

I would cry though, I would be depressed and sad and angry and all of that if you died. I would miss you. I would miss your smart-ass posts, your likes on my page, seeing pictures of your family and looking at your food porn - even though I don't eat it. :)

You matter to me. We are two nutballs living over a thousand miles away who became online friends during a difficult time in our lives. We supported one another and continue to do so. There is not much I can do for you... but I can let you know you do matter to me, there are many days I see you on FB and you make me smile and I would miss that, I would miss you and I continue to pray AND KNOW you will be alright.

Anonymous said...

I am scared too...this time is even worse than the last. Next time will be even worser (bad grammar).
I don't have the time or lugery this time around to cry and dwell on it...but that does not mean that this is not the scarryist thing ever. I have to solderer on and keep my head up or I too will get sucked in to you depression. then i would be totally worthless for the job at hand, the care giver, bread winner and supporting husband and father to our children.
Sorry if this comes across as not caring, you know that I do. Sorry if I am not crying... I have to be strong and live in the moment...we will never get yesterday back to re do or enjoy ... so I chose to positive for all so many reasons. Still I love you! And can not imagine a life without you. xoxo

kh1209 said...

you peeps are awesome, love you and cannot think of any other outcome than the best one.

Kerry said...

Kathy,

It is you who is awesome. You're this wonderful person put into our lives to help by being such a support right now. I can't even tell you how thankful I am for you.

Peta said...

you are not alone and you DO matter and you are very lucky to have such an understanding and supportive husband. Crying does not mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to let go of your feelings for a moment and be totally normal. scary shit is a big deal. hugs