It's one of those days. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "those days" between now and June 4th. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lean on others in way I've never had to before. I'm a mess. And believe me, that's not easy for me to admit.
So, instead of doing the six million things I need to be doing, I'm curled up in my chair, finally watching season 7 of Grey's Anatomy. And I'm bawling my eyes out. At first, when I thought about it, I wondered if it was a good idea. But I had this overwhelming need. This need to, I don't know, allow myself to let go. And then I started watching it. And crying. And laughing. And feeling all these emotions, all these feelings that I have been fighting against. I've been fighting against all of it because I'm scared.
Fear. I've talked about it before. It's so hard for me. I don't like being afraid, because fear means loss of control. Fear is letting others in. Fear is admitting that I just can't do it all myself. And I can't admit that. Not out loud. Because, again, that's giving up control. And I have so much that I can't control, so much that is completely out of my hands, that sometimes it feels like my emotions are the only thing I can even try to control. So I try. And I fail. Repeatedly.
Today, I went to a program at the girls' school. That's the only thing I could handle today. I came home, I did some laundry, I started cleaning up a little, then gave up. I sat in my chair and started watching all the many episodes of Grey's that I've missed.
It was good. At first I cried. I thought it was a bad idea. But then I realized that crying felt good. I haven't allowed myself to actually cry, not for more than a few seconds, since all this started way back in October. So I watched pretend doctors save make believe patients in an entirely fictional hospital and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. Suddenly, I was laughing. It was such a good thing.
It's amazing. While watching something that I thought would be way too close to home, I felt better. I felt more energy and more peace than I've felt in ages. It allowed me to express emotions. It allowed me to let go of a few things. It allowed me to forgive a few things.
So now I know what my therapy will be - I will be catching up on Grey's in my free time... And I will be working on forgiving things and letting things go....