Sunday, June 03, 2012

What if, what if, what if???

I try so hard not to get sucked into the "what if" game. Sometimes, though, it's impossible not to. Sometimes, your brain just takes over and you have absolutely no control over where it goes. None.

Take this week, for instance. On Thursday night, I got sick. It's rare for me to be that spectacularly sick, because I hate vomiting with a burning passion, to the point that I will do ANYTHING to prevent it. But I couldn't. At first I chalked it up to something I ate, and went back to bed. However, all day Friday I still felt pretty crappy and couldn't eat anything. So what did I do? I started playing a little bit of "what if." "What if this is a new symptom? What if this means that the tumors are growing more (there - I finally used that stupid word!)? What if, what if, what if?

Then, yesterday, my stomach had calmed down a great deal, and I was able to eat and (mostly) enjoy the day. However, my chest hurt. Still does, actually. Nothing major, and probably muscle strain from Thursday night, but still... My brain is going insane. "What if it's a new symptom? What if it's the tumors growing? What if there's metastasis that they haven't seen because they only did the ultrasound of my neck? What if this means that it's not thyroid cancer anymore, but some other sort of cancer attacking me, and that's why they didn't find it before - because they were looking for horses in a field of cows?? What if, what if, what if?????"

It is driving me crazy. And, of course, I can't talk to anyone about it, because any time I've tried (with the exception of a rare couple of people), I've been given the whole, "Be positive!!" line. Which, of course, does nothing but piss me off, because, you see, I am positive! But I'm also scared and worried, and those are valid emotions!!

Which brings me to another point - I know you all love me, but please, stop invalidating my emotions, and the emotions of any other cancer (or any chronic illness) patient you come in contact with. I know that it isn't easy to deal with this, but think about how hard it is for the person going through it. And please, please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, just take the words, "Be positive," "stay positive," or "think positive," out of your vocabulary. You mean well, but that - those little words - invalidate everything we're going through.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower and some xanax, and make nice with the general public for a while.

2 comments:

Jeff said...

What if's are just as dangerous looking at the Past, The Future, as they are for the Now. You know I share this battle with you. The same but different. In fact I know that the what-if combined with the internet research have actually made me ill in some cases.

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. I wish there was something that could be done to help.

I try, really I do. I re-post the stop cancer pictures and statuses on facebook every single time I see them. I know that some day they will fix everything!!!

< 2+1

Laura said...

I'm so sorry, I do know that going through anything this terrible is a unique experience that one can only understand if they've been through it too. I don't think people ever have bad intentions with the things they say, and sometimes, there just aren't any *right* words. You need to feel whatever you're feeling and no one needs an explanation. I'm here if you ever want to chat.