Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Stream of consciousness

Please forgive me if this turns into a rambling mess with more twists than a mountain trail...

I want to write. I have words that beg to come out of me, mostly at night, as I'm trying to sleep.

I've attempted writing over the past months. But, I get a couple of sentences typed out, then re-read them and realize they make no sense whatsoever. So I try again, with the same results. Over, and over, and over, until I grow so frustrated I could scream. And sometimes, I do scream.

It's not that I don't know what to say or how to say it; in my head, at night, alone in the dark, I can compose coherent, cohesive, cognizant prose. But now, when I try to make those words flow from my head to my fingertips, there's a disconnect. Suddenly, I forget everything.

Lately, I'm even forgetting how to spell. And I don't mean I'm mispelling words that are comple or complicated. I mean I'm misspelling things I should not misspell. Words the composition of which should be as effortless to me as breathing.

I'm forgetting a lot of things these days. I have to write things in multiple locations now to remember them. I spend my day in fear that I have forgotten something I've scheduled, so I check my wall calendar, my day planner, my online calendar, and the fridge (for sticky notes). I go places and forget why I've gone there. Even with my grocery list, I'll forget the whole reason I went to the grocery. I'll be mid sentence and forget what I'm saying. I can't remember any of the doctor's or medications' names when I'm asked. I completely go blank. I go to look something up, and by the time I've opened the new tab to do the search, I've forgotten. It's bad. I use the wrong words, or can't think of words.

This post, for instance. I started this post at 8 this morning. It is now 9PM. And I'm wrapping it up. I don't know that I've done anything more than whine about pain and frustration, but at least I think I feel a little emotionally better.

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